don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
