I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
