My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
