I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Randomize