Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
