Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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