I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
