Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
