I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
