I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
