You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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