I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
