I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
