Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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