I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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