omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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