did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize