At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Randomize
