just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
