So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
