my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
