my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
