i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
