allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
