Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
