my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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