Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
if i died would you start the facebook group?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
My breasts were aching with rage.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
