seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Is it penis luge time yet?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
