i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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