I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
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