I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He passed out mid-signature
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
this hospital has no fireball
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize