True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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