Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
