you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize