She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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