I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
