Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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