8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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