So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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