My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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