so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
