If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
