Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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