There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
