I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
