She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize