Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
