I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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