I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Hippo gnu deer
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
