So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
