we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
