i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
