Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
