I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
