Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
