You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He better not be in your backpack
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Randomize