I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
