So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
