He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He better not be in your backpack
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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